Why You NEVER Give Naruto Sweets!
by Lady Blade WarAngel
Summary: "I will murder that kid!" Asuma yelled angrily. "He took Asuma's lighter didn't he?" Kakashi asked Kurenai. "And a pair of my underwear." Kurenai added. Kakashi blinked. "I'm not going to ask how he managed to do that." Kakashi stated.
1. Oh Tomato, Where Art Thou?

Hi Everyone. This is a complete crack fic, with the intention of being hilarious and random. LOL! Anywho's I hope Ya enjoy the fic.

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SUMMERY: Sakura wants to do something nice for Naruto, after he helps her paint her family's sweet shop, so she brings him a box of sweets after training. What she doesn't know is how these sweets will affect Naruto... and Sasuke.

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Why You NEVER Give Naruto Sweets!

Chapter 1 – Tomato, Where Art Thou?

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It was a fine sunny day in Konoha as Naruto Uzumaki finished his daily training session. He walked out of training ground four, and over his teams' usual meeting place, the bridge. As he crossed the bridge, he saw Sakura waiting for someone.

"Hey Sakura-Chan!" Naruto called out loudly as usual.

"Hey Naruto. I was just looking for you." Sakura called back.

"Really? I thought you'd wanna spend all your free time with Sasuke, now that he's back?" Naruto asked quizzically.

"I wanted to give you these, to say thanks. We'd never have got the shop finished without your help." Sakura said cheerfully. Naruto grinned sheepishly.

"It's Ok Sakura-Chan. After all, it's not your fault that the decorators got food poisoning." Naruto stated. Sakura blinked.

"Oh yeah they went to that Dango place that Anko-sensei likes so much. Maybe we should tell her about that." Sakura said. They thought about it for a few moments.

"Nah!" They both said at the exact same moment.

"Still it was nice of you to jump in and help out with your shadow clones." Sakura added.

"Well you are my friend and my comrade, so it wasn't a big deal." Naruto stated.

"Still I wanted to give you this, to say thanks." Sakura said, holding out a nice big purple box.

"What is it Sakura-Chan?" Naruto asked.

"It's a box of sweets that my mom made fresh this morning." Sakura replied.

"Wow Sakura-Chan I haven't had any sweets since I was four. Dunno why though." Naruto said. He became thoughtful as he tried to remember why he didn't have sweets since he was four but nothing came to him.

"I've gotta go Naruto. I'll see you on Friday. Kakashi-Sensei said we have a mission." Sakura said.

"Ok see you then Sakura-Chan." Naruto called, as she walked off. He saw her wave at him and then walked back to his apartment. Once he got there, he was hungry, but found his fridge empty, which wasn't really a surprise.

"_I could just eat the sweets that Sakura-Chan gave me until I go and get something to eat."_ Naruto thought to himself. He opened the carefully wrapped package and started to eat the sweets inside.

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Sakura walked past the academy on her way home and saw Iruka-Sensei standing outside.

"Hi Iruka-Sensei." Sakura said politely.

"Hi Sakura. What are you up to?" He asked.

"I just gave Naruto some sweets for helping out at my family's shop yesterday." Sakura replied, chirpily. Iruka's eyes went wide with fear.

"What's wrong Iruka-Sensei?" Sakura asked.

"You gave Naruto SWEETS?" Iruka asked.

"Yeah. What's wrong with that?" Sakura asked.

"Have you ever seen what sweets do to him?" Iruka asked.

"No. Come to mention it, he did say he hasn't had them since he was four." Sakura answered.

"That's because sweets turn him hyperactive." Iruka stated sadly.

"He's already hyperactive." Sakura quipped.

"Like I said, you haven't seen him eat a sweet before." Iruka replied. At that point, he ran off, with a dust cloud kicked up behind him, leaving Sakura sweat-dropping in confusion.

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Naruto was wide-eyed and felt like he had limitless energy. He looked around erratically and stared out the window periodically, for what could only be classed as a minute, then decided to think.

"I'm bored. I need something to do." Naruto said to himself.

"I could go and scare the hell out of Sasuke." Naruto added.

"Yeah, scare Sasuke, yeah!" Naruto ended, nodding to himself.

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Naruto snuck into Sasuke's apartment, meaning only to scare him awake, then train with him. But as he snuck into the kitchen, something caught his eye. That was when an evil glint appeared in Naruto's eyes.

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Sasuke woke up that morning with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. He got dressed and walked into the kitchen. His eyes went wide with shock. There were instant ramen pots all over the place.

"_It must've been Naruto. Only that dobe would be stupid enough to break into my apartment and eat my whole stock of instant ramen."_ Sasuke thought to himself.

"_At least I still have my tomato for breakfast."_ Sasuke thought again. He went to his fridge, opened the door, and screamed like a girl. Of course, Naruto had stolen the tomato...

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Sasuke was in the next town now. Having found that every single tomato in the whole of Konoha was gone (after being bought by Naruto somehow) he was sure he'd find tomatoes in the next town, but he'd been searching every grocery shop in the town for the last hour. Not a sign of a single tomato.

"_I'll kill that damn dobe when I get hold of him."_ Sasuke thought to himself.

That was when he heard ringing coming from his kunai pouch.

"What the fuck?" Sasuke exclaimed, as he rooted for the source of the ringing and found a mobile phone.

"This isn't even mine." Sasuke added, as he sweat-dropped.

"Hello?" He answered grudgingly.

"Hellooo Sasuke." Naruto yelled at the other end of the phone.

"When I get my hands on you-" Sasuke was abruptly cut off.

"I wouldn't be mean if I were you, Sasuke-Teme, I have ALL the tomatoes in fire country." Naruto sing-songed down the phone. Sasuke's eyes went wide with horror. Then logic balanced it out.

"You couldn't possibly have all the tomatoes in fire country." Sasuke said smugly. He was sure he'd caught Naruto out.

"You can go and check but I'm telling you I've got them all." Naruto replied. Sasuke glared.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE THAT?" Sasuke yelled. Drawing the attention of pretty much every living thing within a ten mile radius.

"Does that matter now?" Naruto asked.

"YES!" Sasuke yelled. Onlookers were still gazing in awe.

"Well I'm not gonna tell ya." Naruto sang out.

"What the fuck? Why not?" Sasuke asked.

"Because I don't feel like it." Naruto replied back.

"Why did you take all the tomatoes in fire country? Including the one in my fridge?" Sasuke questioned.

"Because I was bored?" Naruto stated back.

"This is NOT funny Naruto. BRING ME BACK MY DAMN TOMATO!" Sasuke yelled.

"No!" Naruto answered. He then giggled.

"Are you on drugs Dobe?" Sasuke asked.

"Of course not you Teme!" Naruto replied.

"So when are you going to give me my tomatoes back?" Sasuke asked.

"When you complete all the tasks I ask you to do. Think of it as a mission ne?" Naruto said happily. Sasuke bit his lip, wondering where Naruto was.

"You're not going to find me, no matter how hard you look." Naruto replied.

"We'll see about that." Sasuke hissed. He closed the mobile phone then started running towards Naruto's apartment. When he got there, there was no one there and a drawing of Naruto eating a tomato, surrounded by other tomatoes. If Sasuke wasn't so angry, he'd have taken time to notice that the drawing wasn't bad. But of course he was steaming angry. So he ran to Ichiraku ramen, and asked Teuchi the owner if he'd seen Naruto.

"He told me to give ya this if you showed up." Teuchi told Sasuke, handing him a folded note.

Sasuke glared at the piece of paper as he unfolded it. He read it, and yelled at the top of his lungs.

"NARUTO! YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" The note was as follows.

_Run, run,_

_As fast as you can_

_You can't catch me_

_I'm the Ramen-Man._

_You won't get tomatoes,_

_Until you agree,_

_To do all the tasks,_

_That come from me!_

Sasuke was seething. He heard the mobile phone ring again. He sighed in defeat and picked up the phone.

"Yes Naruto?" Sasuke asked.

"So you're going to co-operate. Good for you emo-muffin. Way to communicate socially." Naruto said cheerfully.

"What the- What the FUCK did you just call me?" Sasuke asked.

"Nothing? Now are you ready to do what I tell you?" Naruto asked. Sasuke nodded.

"I saw you nodding. So let's make this as painless as possible." Naruto said.

Sasuke's eyes went wide in shock.

"How the hell can you see me nodding? Unless you're nearby?" Sasuke asked. His eyes gleamed with hope, as he looked around for the elusive, knuckle-head ninja.

"Nope, sorry Sasuke I can see you coz of a satellite tv linked to your mobile phone." Naruto replied.

"HOW the HELL can YOU afford all of this?" Sasuke asked.

"That's my secret. Now for your first task. You must steal Tsunade Baa-Chan's Sake stash." Naruto stated.

"WHAT! THAT OLD BAT WILL KILL ME!" Sasuke yelled.

"You and I will have to live with that." Naruto replied cheerfully. Sasuke inwardly groaned.

"I don't even know where she keeps her stash." Sasuke _almost_ whined, _almost_.

"She has two stashes. One in a secret cupboard, hidden by a picture of her and ero-sennin doing it when they were younger." Naruto said. Sasuke's face faulted and he got a sickly green look on his face.

"Where the hell did you find out this stuff?" Sasuke asked.

"Don't ask its better that you not know." Naruto replied.

"Wow, the old pervert and the old hag, who'd have thought." Sasuke mused.

"Never mind that. I thought I'd tell you before you came across the magical picture, and was scarred for life." Naruto said happily.

"I'm already scarred for life." Sasuke replied.

"Yeah from the whole _Itachi killed the whole clan_ thing. Ya know ya really need to get over that. They've been dead for nine years already." Naruto said.

"Shut up you baka and tell me where else I've got to look." Sasuke said.

"Well, Shizune Nee-Chan keeps a confiscated stash of Baa-Chan's Sake in Ton Ton's bed." Naruto replied.

"Why the HELL would anyone do that?" Sasuke asked.

"You'll see." Naruto said. Then the line went dead.

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What did y'all think people? Please R&R this is the first time I've tried to do a Naruto comedy.

_Sneak Peak For Next Chapter!_

"_Sasuke, you'll have to go and steal Icha Icha from Kakashi-Sensei if you ever want to see your tomatoes again." Sasuke felt like telling Naruto to stick the tomatoes where the sun doesn't shine. Of course he didn't. After all, he loved eating tomatoes..._


	2. Ton Ton, Kakashi and Ukes?

Well thanks to all of you who have read and reviewed my fic so far. And to all those that have added my fic to their faves and alerts. Here is the next instalment of complete crack with a mini-plot.

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Why You NEVER Give Naruto Sweets.

Chapter 2 – Ton Ton, Kakashi and Ukes?

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Sasuke managed to sneak over to the Hokage tower without being spotted. That was a good thing, seeing as his fan girls usually attacked before now. He snuck into the Hokage's office via an open window and walked over to the desk. He was looking for a cupboard with a dodgy picture blocking it after all. He searched all around the desk, then all around the room. He couldn't find it. He glared fiercely to himself.

"_I bet Naruto was joking about that damn picture."_ Sasuke thought to himself. That was when the illustrious link to the blond started ringing again. It was only now that Sasuke noticed the ringtone was the evil Barney song. Sasuke cringed and answered the phone.

"Hey Sas-gay. What's happening?" Naruto yelled down the phone.

"What? Did you just call me Sas-_GAY_?" Sasuke hissed. Trying not to yell because that of course would blow his cover.

"You know I know you were doubting my word about the picture. Try looking under the desk in the left hand corner under the first drawer. Then see if you believe me." Naruto replied. Sasuke blinked, his earlier question forgotten.

"Hold on idiot." Sasuke hissed, as he knelt down to look where Naruto had suggested. That was when he saw it. His eyes went wide, and he _almost_ gasped. Almost being the operative word. Uchiha's do NOT gasp after all. He held the phone to his ear again.

"Dobe? What the FUCK are they doing in that picture?" Sasuke asked. Not sure whether to believe his own eyes.

"I actually don't know Sas-gay but it sure looked painful. Apparantly, Baa-chan is a contortionist." Naruto chirped out.

"Even a contortionist couldn't do that?" Sasuke hissed.

"I beg to differ. In fact if ya read up on contortionists you'll see that they can even wrap themselves around poles in a spiral position." Naruto stated.

Sasuke blinked.

"Did you just say something smarter than a pre-schooler?" Sasuke asked.

"I'm smarter then I let on Sas-gay. Don't forget it. Now get on with getting the sake." Naruto said cheerfully.

"Stop calling me that?" Sasuke hissed.

"I haven't called you _that._ Now I'll leave you to your mission." Naruto answered. Then Sasuke heard the dial tone.

"Damn Bastard. And he calls me a Teme." Sasuke cursed to himself. He placed the phone back in his kunai pouch and then became unsure of whether or not to touch the evil picture. It has after all scarred his mind more than it already was.

Sasuke decided to get it over with. After all, Naruto would never give him back the tomatoes if he didn't complete the missions. Sasuke lifted the picture up and found the secret cupboard. Sasuke grasped the bottles of sake, and put them in a bag he'd bought with him for the purpose. There were about twelve bottles in all.

"How does she fit so many sake bottles in one little cupboard?" Sasuke thought to himself.

He left the office, making sure to close the cupboard and put the picture back where he found it. He shuddered as he accidentally caught a glimpse of it again. He was sure he was going to have nightmares about that picture for as long as he lived. Of course now he had to go and find the pig.

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Iruka was looking high and low for Naruto and had hoped to catch him before he ate any sweets. Of course when he finally decided to check Naruto's apartment, he found an empty sweet wrapper on the table. He sighed.

"_I'm too late. I wonder what poor slob he picked on to amuse him this time?"_ Iruka thought to himself as he walked home.

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Sasuke had found Ton Ton easily enough. Now to find the pig's bed. He followed Ton Ton until he saw the pig lay down on a bulging, cushiony basket bed. Sasuke smirked.

"_Right, now I have to wait for the pig to leave."_ Sasuke thought.

Somehow the pig seemed to sense his presence and it oinked at him. Sasuke blinked. He looked at the pig and the pig looked at him.

"Okay pig, I need the sake bottles hidden in your bed." Sasuke said. The pig death-glared at him. Sasuke's eyes went wide.

"_WHAT THE FUCK? Who taught the pig that shit?"_ Sasuke thought.

"_Well they say pigs are intelligent animals. There must be a way to reason with it."_ Sasuke thought.

"I'll give you whatever you want if you can show me what it is, but I need the sake." Sasuke said. The pig seemed to grin then, although Sasuke wasn't sure how he figured that out. Then it got off the basket, and it seemed to motion with its head to follow. Sasuke blinked, and then decided it might be for the best to follow the pig.

Ton Ton led Sasuke to the Jounin kitchen, in the tower.

"_What the hell does the pig want from the kitchen?" _Sasuke thought to himself. He watched as Ton Ton nudged at the closed door, so Sasuke opened it, and Ton Ton ran through. Then Sasuke saw the weird little pig head towards Gai's locker. It nudged at the door, and Sasuke opened it. Then the pig oinked loudly. Sasuke looked at the contents of the locker, mostly weights, and taijutsu books, but there was something weird in there.

"Pork scratchings?" Sasuke read aloud from the white packet. He looked at Ton Ton who seemed to want the pork scratchings.

"You want the pork scratchings for the sake?" Sasuke asked. Ton Ton nodded.

"_What the hell is this pig, a pig cannibal or something?"_ Sasuke thought to himself. Sasuke opened the bag and poured the pork scratchings into a bowl. The pig happily started eating. Sasuke blinked and walked off to Ton Ton's bed, where he found about twenty more bottles of sake. He left the Hokage tower and went to the bridge where he usually met his team. That was when Barney started up again. Sasuke's eye twitched as he answered the phone.

"Naruto, I'd kill you if I knew where you were." Sasuke said.

"I know, which is why you will not find out." Naruto stated.

"So, is that all you wanted?" Sasuke asked.

"Of course not. I said it'd be more than one mission, and I'm not having enough fun yet." Naruto chirped. Sasuke felt his left eye twitching rapidly.

"Don't let your eye twitch like that, Orochimaru's bitch. After all, it might stick that way." Sasuke's eye started twitching even more rapidly then.

"You did NOT just call me that you fucking bastard." Sasuke half-yelled.

"Well you were his bitch for like five years you know. Besides, he made videos of you in the shower while you were there." Naruto said.

"What? How? When? HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT?" Sasuke yelled.

"Well, after I bought your ass back from that snake-paedophile, I had a mission in sound, to spy, and I saw him watching them. But don't worry, I stole them from him, so your secret shame is still a secret." Naruto replied.

Sasuke's eye was still twitching.

"I didn't allow him to do that." Sasuke hissed.

"I know. Uchiha's are more into S&M right?" Naruto asked.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sasuke asked.

"Let's just say I stole other videos from Snake-paedophile's place. Including ones of your brother and Kisame. Although your brother is the Uke. Which really surprised me." Naruto answered.

"Now I know you're lying your ass off. My brother would never be Uke. Not in a million years." Sasuke said.

"Don't make me send the video image to the phone. Just take my word for it." Naruto said. Sasuke blinked.

"You couldn't send me an image like that on the phone." Sasuke stated. He smirked, thinking he had one up on Naruto, finally. Of course then he heard the dial tone and then the teletubbies tune come out of his phone. Sasuke's eye twitched again. He looked to see the words `VIDEO MESSAGE' on the screen. He clicked accept. But what he saw on the screen made him wish he hadn't.

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Itachi was being topped by Kisame who was beating Itachi with a many tailed whip, and yelling

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY BITCH?" Itachi of course was moaning and groaning, and calling out Kisame's name.

"Yeah and don't you forget it!" Kisame yelled again.

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Sasuke closed the phone, dropped it on the bridge, and jumped into the river under the bridge, hoping to erase the image from his head. Of course he couldn't, and he started screaming like a girl. He got out of the river when he calmed down.

That was when Sasuke heard the Teletubbies tone again. Sasuke wasn't sure he wanted to see the next video. He was already scarred enough, but you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat, and Sasuke couldn't resist. He opened the phone and accepted the image. He then saw a video of himself in the shower singing the emo song. Sasuke nearly choked on air and started coughing. He closed the phone. He decided never to accept any more messages from Naruto. That was when Barney started to sing again. Sasuke sighed and picked up the phone.

"WHY would you send me something like THAT?" Sasuke whined.

"Wow, Uchiha's can whine, that's a new record." Naruto said.

"Shut the hell up Dobe. I get it. You wanted to prove a point, and you did." Sasuke hissed.

"Yeah I know. Next time I tell ya I have something just trust that I do. It'll be better for your mind in the long run." Naruto said.

Sasuke sighed and then he glared.

"What else do you want now Dobe? Wasn't the fact I risked getting killed by the Hokage and got scarred for life by that damn picture and video's enough for you?" Sasuke asked.

"Nope." Naruto replied.

"Damn you, dobe." Sasuke yelled.

"Please there are worse things than what I showed you. I mean seriously, you think that picture is the only one of its kind? I know there are others, and I could show ya worse videos. I didn't know you liked The Emo Song." Naruto stated happily.

"Shut up. I heard it and it got stuck in my head." Sasuke hissed.

"And singing in the shower? Are you sure you're an Uchiha?" Naruto asked.

"Naruto, shut up or I will literally rip off your balls and shove them down your throat." Sasuke hissed angrily.

"Well I'll just get to your next mission then right?" Naruto asked. His voice sounded a little hurt.

"Yeah you do that Naruto. And don't sound hurt, you were questioning my parentage." Sasuke said.

"Oh yeah, sorry Sasuke. Anyways, I have an extra special mission for you." Naruto said.

"Yeah what might that be?" Sasuke asked.

"Sasuke, you'll have to go and steal Icha Icha from Kakashi-Sensei if you ever want to see your tomatoes again." Sasuke felt like telling Naruto to stick the tomatoes where the sun doesn't shine. Of course he didn't. After all, he loved eating tomatoes.

"Are you freaking kidding me? He'll murder me!" Sasuke exclaimed.

"Then don't get caught." Naruto said. Then Sasuke heard the dial tone. Of course he let out a stream of curses.

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As we all know, Kakashi keeps his Icha Icha books on him at all times. Or so we thought. On this fine morning, Sasuke was in for some luck as Kakashi was going on a date with Anko, and hid his books under his bed. Sasuke watched from a tree as Kakashi hid the books, and left the little apartment that he lived in. Sasuke waited until he was sure that Kakashi was gone, then he snuck into the apartment, via an open window. Yet another strike of luck.

"_What the hell? You'd think with all the ninja who live in this village, they'd know not to leave their windows open when they're not home. Anyone could break in."_ Sasuke thought to himself. He grabbed the stash of books under the bed, and saw a cardboard box next to them.

Sasuke was trying desperately not to let curiosity get the best of him. But he couldn't resist and opened the box. His eyes went wide. There were several pictures of Kakashi with Anko, doing... things. Sasuke nearly cried. _Nearly._ After all, Uchiha's do NOT cry. EVER!

Now that Sasuke had the books, he jumped out of the open window onto the tree and left. Stashing the books, in the bag with the sake, and wondering how Naruto intended to collect this stuff.

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Okay, these are pointers for anyone who doesn't know. That shouldn't be too many though.

Uke = The more female partner in a male/male or Yaoi relationship. The one that's always on the bottom, the one that is not in the dominant role and so on, so forth. Seme is the more male partner.

The Emo song is a real song by some guy called Josh Tobin and it completely takes the piss out of Emo's. I have nothing against Emo's I just find the song hilarious. You can find it on Youtube or download it. It really is funny.

Anywho, please R&R and take a look at the sneak preview. And any questions should be directed in reviews please. I'll answer the questions as soon as I read them k?

_Sneak Preview for The Next Chapter._

_Sasuke looked rather disturbed as he took another look around Hinata's room, which was basically a shrine to Naruto. _

"_Wha-? Is everyone in this village crazy?" Sasuke asked himself as he made his way through the compound to steal the copies of Icha Icha..._


	3. Surprise Enemies and Neji's Dark Secret

Okay all. Thanks to all of you who read this chapter. For anyone else who wants to ask, this is NOT a Naru/Sasu fic. I add a bit Yaoi every so often. Maybe, but it's not gonna turn into a Naru/Sasu fic. Or a Sasu/Naru just to clear things up. This fic is pure crack, and everyone is OOC. Some yaoi is added for my amusement. LOL! Anywho's on with the next chapter.

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Why You NEVER Give Naruto Sweets!

Chapter 3 – Surprise Enemies and Neji's Dark Secrets.

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Sasuke glared at the contents of his bag. He was not happy. It was nightfall and he was already stuck with contraband and it was all Naruto's fault. His whole Monday had been wasted on this nonsense of Naruto's. Of course, Sasuke knew Naruto wasn't done yet.

Right on cue, Barney started loving everyone again. Sasuke sighed and picked up the phone.

"What now Naruto?" Sasuke asked. A hint of exasperation showing on his face.

"Well I was going to tell you a spot where you can drop the sake and Kakashi Sensei's books, but of course I could wait, and send one of my minions to get the stuff from you." Naruto replied. Then he giggled like a girl. Sasuke's left eye was twitching again.

"WHO would you have as a minion? How do you even HAVE minions?" Sasuke asked.

"That's for me to know and you to find out jelly bean." Naruto chirped out happily.

"You did NOT just call me jelly bean?" Sasuke hissed.

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Naruto smirked as he saw Sasuke from his great big plasma tv. Sasuke was Uchiha death-glaring the phone.

"It's just an expression Sasuke no need to get bent out of shape." Naruto told him. He saw the glare turn into an Uchiha frown. He then heard the distinct `Hn' that usually came out of Sasuke's mouth. That was of course followed by a sentence.

"Not any expression I've ever heard." Sasuke said. Naruto had Sasuke on speaker phone of course. It was more amusing for him.

"I'm going to send one of my minions to get the stuff from you after you complete your next mission." Naruto said.

"What is it this time? Taking Ibiki's bandanna? Stealing Anko's Dango? Or is it getting you ramen?" Sasuke asked. A _tiny_ hint of defeat showing through. Naruto grinned.

"All good ideas which I might save for later. But for now, you must go to the Hyuuga compound and take every copy of Icha Icha you can find. Except for in Hinata's room." Naruto stated. He saw Sasuke frown a little.

"Why would Hinata have copies of Icha Icha?" Sasuke asked.

"It gives her ideas?" Naruto chirped. Sasuke coughed and spluttered from shock.

"Are you two dating or something?" Sasuke asked.

"Sure we have been for years, I'm surprised you never noticed." Naruto replied quite happily.

He saw Sasuke face fault, no doubt at the idea of Naruto and Hinata doing the dirty, then he glared at the phone again.

"How many copies do you think I'm going to find?" Sasuke asked.

"Loads. The whole Hyuuga clan are into it. Except Hanabi, she's kinda too young." Naruto stated. Sasuke's face went completely white.

"How do you expect me to sneak into the Hyuuga compound at night with all that security?" Sasuke asked, looking _almost_ scared. Almost being the operative word, for Naruto knew that Uchiha's weren't supposed to be scared of anything.

"I thought of that. Check your kunai pouch, and you can sneak in through Hinata's window. It's the third room on the left wing, on the right hand side." Naruto stated.

"How many times have YOU snuck into the Hyuuga compound?" Sasuke asked. Naruto could see the shock visibly clear on his face. After all, Naruto wasn't really one for memorising things like that.

"Oh I dunno, this year, about six-hundred times. Lemme think." Naruto thought for a moment, and didn't notice Sasuke anime-fall onto the ground. He got up whilst Naruto was thinking.

"I don't need to know anymore." Sasuke said. Naruto grinned.

"Okay it's up to you jelly bean. Chat to you later." Naruto said. Before Sasuke could comment on the jelly bean again, Naruto cut off the call. He watched as Sasuke glared and tried to stop himself from destroying the surrounding area. Naruto giggled and someone came into the room.

"Naruto-kun? Should I warn Neji about this?" Hinata asked.

"Nah it's alright Hinata. I think we should see if Sasuke can get around Neji and manage to complete this little mission." Hinata grinned and Naruto giggled, whilst handing the female Hyuuga a sweet.

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Sasuke glared at the phone and had an urge to destroy it, but he had a feeling that another one would come back to replace it, that was twice as annoying. Sasuke put the phone in his kunai pouch and felt around. That was when he found a card-key. He pulled it out and noticed it was the card-key for the gate of the Hyuuga compound. What shocked Sasuke was that it had Hinata's father's picture on it. Sasuke sighed.

"If I get caught with this, I'm going to end up in prison for ages. Or at least on lockdown." Sasuke stated to himself. He decided to get going. After all, the sooner he did this stuff, the sooner he got to eat a tomato, which is why all of this was happening in the first place.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Just going through the gates of Konoha, a trio of ninja, were coming to visit, little did Sasuke know that this was going to signal more trouble for him in this awful week.

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Sasuke snuck into the Hyuuga compound easily. He was extremely wary of where he was going, until he found the open window of Hinata's room just where Naruto had said it would be. Sasuke sighed and climbed in. He looked around and saw Naruto plushies everywhere, and if that wasn't bad enough, there were pictures of Naruto everywhere, and a bookshelf with every edition of Icha Icha ever made on it. Even the boy/boy version.

Sasuke was tempted to throw up when he saw Itachi and Kisame on the cover, but refrained. After all, he didn't want anyone to know he'd been here, and if he threw up in Hinata's room, it'd be a dead giveaway.

Sasuke looked rather disturbed as he took another look around Hinata's room, which was basically a shrine to Naruto.

"Wha-? Is everyone in this village crazy?" Sasuke asked himself as he made his way through the compound to steal the copies of Icha Icha.

Sasuke went into pretty much every single bedroom in the whole place, and found Icha Icha books in every room. He was starting to wonder what had happened to the clan, they all seemed to be missing, he hadn't come across a single person as of yet.

"_They must be having some sort of meeting or something."_ Sasuke thought. He didn't want to think about why the Hyuuga needed so many copies of Icha Icha.

He finally came across Hiashi's room, where he found even more odd things. Not just Icha Icha books, but pink pairs of tights. Everyone knew Hiashi's wife had died years ago, what was with the tights? Of course Sasuke had been scarred enough for one lifetime and decided he didn't want to know. He snagged the books and left. There was only one bedroom left to get Icha Icha books from, that appeared to be Neji's room.

He snuck into the stoic branch member's room, and looked around. Most of the clan members had their books in plain sight. But Neji didn't seem to.

"_Maybe he doesn't have Icha Icha books. I might have found the only sane person in this entire clan, forget the village."_ Sasuke thought to himself. Sasuke looked around for a few minutes, checking out shelves and finally decided that there weren't any books to be had. Of course that is when he heard footsteps coming. Sasuke looked around for a place to hide, and just so happened to see the wardrobe and rushed into it, closing the doors behind him.

"_What a completely original place to hide."_ Sasuke thought to himself sarcastically as he waited for whoever it was to enter the room and leave, or walk past. Either way he needed to get out after that. Of course, it was just his luck that Neji walked into the bedroom at that very moment. Sasuke almost groaned out loud when he saw Neji beckon to someone outside the door. That was when Sasuke saw Ten Ten and Lee walk in.

Sasuke blinked in confusion as Neji sat down on his bed. Ten Ten sat on a stool and Lee leaned against the bookshelf.

"_It doesn't look like they're going anywhere for awhile."_ Sasuke thought to himself.

"Where's the rest of the clan? The place seems pretty empty." Ten Ten asked.

"Oh they're at the Icha Icha convention that's in the building near the hot springs." Neji answered. Lee blinked.

"Isn't Hanabi too young for that?" Lee asked.

"She's not there. She's at a friend's house." Neji stated.

"What about Hinata? I always thought she was way too shy for something like that?" Ten Ten asked.

"She's with Naruto." Neji stated bluntly.

"That figures." Lee said. The three had grins on their faces.

Ten Ten sat on the bed next to Neji and started kissing him passionately. Sasuke, was absolutely horrified.

"_Don't tell me they're a team for everything? I thought I found a sane person for a second."_ Sasuke thought to himself. He saw Lee grin a little. Ten Ten pulled out a whip, handcuffs, a paddle and a packet of cigarettes? Sasuke was confused beyond belief.

"Lee it's your turn to burn Neji with the cigarettes. I had to do it last time." Ten Ten quipped. Sasuke's eyes were getting wider and wider by the second. Lee shrugged.

"That means you've got to use the whip. Besides, I get to use the paddle if I'm using the cigarettes on him." Lee stated. Sasuke at this moment was trying to find a happy place in his mind that he could escape to. He did NOT want to see this. But of course, that was when Neji opened a panel on the side of his bed, and pulled out a copy of Icha Icha. The S&M version. Sasuke blanched a few shades lighter than white.

"_How the hell am I gonna get to that now?"_ Sasuke thought.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto had decided to walk the streets for a couple of hours. He knew Neji's S&M fetish would keep Sasuke busy for awhile. That was when he came across Gaara, Kankuro and Temari.

"Hi you guys!" Naruto yelled happily.

"Naruto what have you been eating?" Temari asked.

"Sweets. Lots of nice and chewy sweets." Naruto answered. Temari blinked.

"You guys can help me out with something." Naruto said happily. The three looked at him suspiciously.

"Torturing Sasuke!" Naruto added. The three grinned.

xXxXxXx THREE HOURS LATER xXxXxXx

Sasuke was scarred for life. Neji, Ten Ten and Lee had just finished their whole group sex and S&M session, and were lazing in Neji's bed. Sasuke was so horrified that he was close to fainting. Of course Uchiha's do NOT faint. So Sasuke wasn't going to break tradition.

"_Just hurry up and leave already so I can get that damn book and get the hell out of here."_ Sasuke thought to himself. He saw Ten Ten, Neji and Lee get up and start to redress.

"Same time tomorrow Neji?" Ten Ten asked mischievously.

"Of course." Neji replied. His nature all stoic as usual. Sasuke's eye started twitching again.

"_They do this every day? I'm surprised they're not too injured to train and do missions."_ Sasuke thought to himself.

Ten Ten looked at her shirt.

"Neji you've ruined another one of my shirts." Ten Ten mock pouted at Neji.

"You've got a spare one in my wardrobe." Neji answered.

"Want anything from there?" Ten Ten asked as she made her way to the wardrobe. Sasuke's eye was twitching even more.

"_Please don't let her notice me Kami-Sama! She uses a whip like a pro! I don't want to die yet!"_ Sasuke thought to himself. He saw Ten Ten's shirt hanging to the far left of him. He was glad Neji had a huge wardrobe. He saw the doors open wide and tried to go even further back into the wardrobe then he already was. He saw Ten Ten's hand grab the shirt.

"Yeah grab me another shirt Ten Ten." Sasuke heard Neji ask. Sasuke didn't dare look out. He saw Ten Ten's hand dart just a few inches away from him, to grab another shirt that belonged to Neji, then the doors closed, and Sasuke relaxed _very_ slightly.

"I'm so glad I'm a ninja, or my mom would be asking me why my clothing is always getting torn." Ten Ten said cheerfully. Sasuke's traitorous eye started twitching like crazy. He saw Lee smile, and Neji smirk.

"Well if you're gonna smirk, I might as well leave my sewing with you Neji!" Ten Ten stated.

"I can't sew so it would be pointless." Neji replied. Lee laughed.

"We'll see you tomorrow Neji." Ten Ten said. Neji nodded.

Ten Ten and Lee left the room. Neji put away his S&M copy of Icha Icha then followed them. Sasuke cringed as he waited for their steps to fade away. He even waited an extra ten minutes to make sure they weren't coming back. Then he slowly got out of the wardrobe.

"_Kami that was too close for my liking."_ Sasuke thought. He carefully made his way over to the bed, opened the panel and took out the Icha Icha book. He placed it in the bag of contraband stuff he'd already taken, and snuck out of the room. He figured he'd just sneak out of Hinata's room. At least he knew his way from there.

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Okay everyone. I hope ya all enjoyed this chapter. Do R&R and tell me what ya think.


	4. Thief Alert And More Madness

Okay everyone. Here's the next chapter of crack. I hope ya have fun with it. Thanks to all my reviewers and to all those who've read the fic, as well as those who've added it to their faves and story alerts. It's much appreciated.

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Why You NEVER Give Naruto Sweets!

Chapter 4 – Thief Alert and More Madness.

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The next morning, a Tuesday, Tsunade walked into her office, bright and (unfortunately) early. She sat in her huge chair, and thought to herself how nice it would be to have a cup of sake, before Shizune turned up and started harassing her to do her paper work which, as Tsunade could plainly see, was up to the ceiling in three piles. Tsunade sighed, and reached into her secret cupboard. She never looked at the picture there. It was just there to scare off potential thieves. Well if she had to get drunk and sleep with Jiraiya, and had suffered the embarrassment of waking up in his bed the next morning (which of course had been rather embarrassing) why shouldn't she gain profit from it in some small measure? She blinked several times as she rummaged in the cupboard. Finally she bent down to look inside it. The cupboard was empty.

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Sakura was just about to enter the Hokage tower that day when she heard screaming.

"SOME LITTLE BASTARD STOLE MY SAKE! I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL TEAR HIM LIMB FROM LIMB!" Sakura blinked as she recognised the voice of Tsunade, her sensei, screaming her head off in rage. Then there was a smash of glass, and Sakura jumped out of the way in time to avoid being hit by Tsunade's desk chair. But of course, Sakura heard a thud and another set of curses from behind her.

"Damn it. I wish Tsunade wouldn't chuck things out of the window all the time!" Jiraiya cursed. Sakura looked at Jiraiya, whilst blinking, and wondered how exactly he'd been right behind her when the chair fell.

"JIRAIYA YOU BASTARD! YOU BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT MY STUDENT'S ASS!" Tsunade screamed from the broken window. Sakura went ten shades paler then usual and decided to go and find someone to get the chair inside, and fix the window, after all, listening to Jiraiya and Tsunade bicker, didn't sound like it was going to be good for her health today.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke sighed to himself as he walked along the street. He then bumped into Gaara. He blinked at the red-headed Jinchuriki.

"Just give me the bag. Naruto told me to get it from you." Gaara said dully.

"What?" Sasuke asked in confusion. Of course Barney then decided to make an appearance. Sasuke answered the phone.

"I sent Gaara to get the bag chocolate button!" Naruto said happily.

"Did you just call me chocolate button?" Sasuke asked.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait a sec. Yes!" Naruto replied. Sasuke sweatdropped and just handed Gaara the bag. Gaara looked at Sasuke and took the bag away quickly.

"_God damn it. He was too fast for me to find out where Naruto is."_ Sasuke thought. He fumed on the spot.

"Sasuke, get a grip, the world is counting on you. By the way, go and meet Kankuro at the Ramen stand, he'll give you a file on what I want you to do next." Naruto stated. Then the phone cut off.

"DAMN IT NARUTO YOU BASTARD!" Sasuke yelled. A bird flew over his head and cawed loudly at him. His shoulders slumped and he walked off to find the Ramen stand.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Kakashi had just arrived at his home.

"Wow Anko whipped my ass so hard I won't be sitting straight for a week." Kakashi said to himself as he unlocked the door of his apartment.

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION PERVERT!" Ibiki yelled at him as he stepped out of the flat next door. Kakashi blinked and went inside his apartment.

"Now to find my precious Icha Icha." Kakashi stated happily. He pulled out the box from under his bed, and saw that no book was left in sight.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Sakura was walking past Kakashi's apartment building on her way home when she heard the scream. Her eyes went wide with shock. She saw Ibiki come to the bottom of the stairs and start walking.

"What's wrong with Kakashi-Sensei?" She asked.

"Hell if I know. Go and ask the pervert yourself." Ibiki said aggressively, then walked off whistling the Family Guy theme tune. Sakura blinked rapidly then thought about going to find out what was wrong with Kakashi when she heard the next stream of curses.

"MY PRECIOUS ICHA ICHA IS GONE! SOMEONE STOLE ICHA ICHA! I WANT YOU BACK PRECIOUS!"

Sakura's eyes went wide with shock. Then she blinked and carried on walking.

"I am NOT involved." Sakura said, as she walked off down the street.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

The Hyugas were in an uproar. Everyone had come back from the Icha Icha convention ready to read more Icha Icha, when they found the whole compound had been robbed of their precious books. Of course, no one thought to check Hinata's room. Or Hanabi's room. Simply because everyone thought the two girls were too innocent. And no one thought Neji owned a copy.

Neji, however, went to his room to check for his copy of Icha Icha, the S&M version, that he had hidden in the secret compartment, and also found that it had been stolen. Neji's face went dark like thunder.

"Whoever stole my Icha Icha shall be roasted over a fire on a spit and fed to my fan girl club as a delicacy, after Ten Ten has flayed them with her whipping hand. She's good with her whip." Neji said darkly. He then left his room to go searching for the infamous thief.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke walked into the Ramen stand, looking dejected. Kankuro was sat there, eating Ramen, and fiddling with a file. He saw Sasuke and handed it over.

"Why are you and Gaara involved in Naruto's torture of me?" Sasuke asked.

"We were bored, and it sounded like fun at the time." Kankuro replied. Sasuke slumped out of the Ramen stand sadly and leaned against the wall to read the file.

Inside was a cute little manga depicting exactly what Naruto wanted Sasuke to do.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" Sasuke exclaimed angrily.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Hehe, okay everyone. Short ass chapter I know. But there will be more madness to come. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please R&R, and here is a preview of the next chapter.

_Sneak Preview For The Next Chapter!_

"_There is no god damn way I am going to do that Naruto! Not in a million years! That's like sacrificing myself to Satan with a popsicle stick up my ass and saying 'feed me to Michael Jackson!' and eating a toffee apple while I do it." Sasuke stated angrily. _


	5. The Rabid Pit of Doom!

Okay everyone here is the next chappie of madness. Hope y'all like it. I am sorry that it's taken me so long, but I had a mental block on how I wanted this chapter to work. But it's okay because now I'm alive and kicking again.

Just for reference, there is a poll on my profile, so that you, my readers, can decide what fic I put up next after I've finished one of the ones I'm doing now. The summaries and titles are in my profile, and the poll is up too. So feel free to take a look and vote.

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Why You NEVER Give Naruto Sweets!

Chapter Five – The Rabid Pit of Doom! (Neji Knows How To Swear)

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Sasuke looked at the Manga, depicting him sneaking into Anko's house and stealing S&M equipment that appeared to be hidden under her bed.

"How am I going to do that? I don't even have a bag to carry that much anymore." Sasuke muttered. That was when Gaara appeared from nowhere with the empty bag.

"Naruto asked me to give this back to you." Gaara stated. Then he disappeared. Sasuke blinked and then sighed as he went to start his next mad mission. Asking where the hell Gaara had come from was a pointless endeavour.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Tsunade was in a meeting with several people. The whole Hyuga clan along with Kakashi, Anko, Gai and Shizune.

"We have a dangerous thief in our midst. Someone who is so good at stealing that they don't even leave a trail." Tsunade stated.

"My precious Icha Icha is a victim of kidnapping!" Kakashi wailed. Anko patted Kakashi on the back reassuringly.

"We'll find out what happened to it Kashi-Kun." Anko stated. The rest of the room looked slightly disturbed.

"I'd rather not ask why you call him that Anko. Gai, why are you here again?"

"Hokage-Sama! Some unyouthful person has stolen the pork scratchings from my locker! It's just... not youthful! Gai exclaimed.

"Someone got into the Hyuga compound and stole every copy of Icha Icha we had!" Hiashi exclaimed. Tsunade blinked.

"Really? Did you check Hinata's room?" Tsunade asked.

"My daughter does NOT read Icha Icha. She's far too shy and innocent." Hiashi answered, a hint of insult laced his voice.

"Of course Hiashi. I understand completely." Tsunade replied.

"_That you have no idea what your daughter is up to with Naruto. Or that she has a secret Yaoi fetish."_ Tsunade added silently.

"Doesn't anyone have any clues as to who is responsible?" Shizune asked.

"Well it'd have to be a ninja. There is no way a civilian could break into the Hyuga compound." Hiashi stated irritably.

"_Unless that civilian had a copy of your key card like Naruto does."_ Tsunade thought to herself. One would wonder how Tsunade knew all of this. One would also ask what happened to the crystal ball that Sarutobi used to look into so he could watch what was going on. Of course, if Tsunade had that crystal ball and Tsunade watched everything then why had she not figured out that it was Sasuke who'd stolen her Sake? Because she had been on a massive Sake bender all the night before, and now had the hangover from hell. So she didn't think to use the crystal ball to find out.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Ten Ten, Neji and Lee were listening in to the conversation, whilst sticking to the wall outside the office with their chakra.

"So it's definitely a ninja." Ten Ten stated.

"It would have to be. I'm starting to think Naruto has something to do with this." Neji quipped.

"Why?" Lee asked.

"Well for none of us to notice that someone broke in, means they have a key card, and Hinata doesn't give out copies of her father's key card to everyone. Naruto is the only one who has it. So he either lost it, or gave it to someone to come and steal all the copies of Icha Icha in the compound." Neji replied.

"Except for in Hinata's room because everyone thinks that she's too sweet and innocent to be into all that." Ten Ten quipped.

"Exactly." Neji agreed.

"So who would Naruto give the key card to?" Ten Ten asked.

"Sasuke." Lee answered. Neji and Ten Ten stared at Lee for a minute.

"Why would he give the key card to Sasuke?" Ten Ten asked.

"Well did you see him the other day? He was all hyperactive. He was being more youthful then me and Gai-Sensei. That and who would he torture while on a sugar high?" Lee replied.

"Holy crap." Neji quipped.

"Neji swore!" Ten Ten exclaimed with wide eyes.

"Lee is actually... right? That's a frightening thought." Neji stated. Ten Ten and Lee both nodded their agreement as they climbed down. It was only when Ten Ten and Neji were walking ahead of him that the penny finally dropped for Lee.

"Are you trying to say I'm stupid Neji? That is most unyouthful!" Lee yelled, as he ran to catch up with them.

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Sasuke found himself outside Anko's apartment building. Which happened to be on the other side of Konoha from Kakashi, but Sasuke didn't pay attention to that little detail. He managed to do everything according to the little Manga, and found Anko's S&M bondage collection. Sasuke sighed as he dumped the contents of the box (locked chest that he had to break open. whatever.) into his newly emptied bag, and left. Little realising that he was being stalked.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Neji, Ten Ten and Lee were all watching Sasuke, each with a dangerous glint in their eyes. That was when they sprang from their hiding place. Behind a post. Well it worked for Hinata for... all her life, so why shouldn't it work for them too. They all saw Sasuke's eyes widen as they made for the capture. However, Sasuke was NOT that easy to catch, (hence why there were four Gennin's and one Chunin trying to get him back from sound, but we'll forget that he was in a barrel coffin for most of the time that was going on) and Sasuke fled. Neji, Ten Ten and Lee cursed as Sasuke got away.

"We _will_ get him." Neji stated.

"And when we do, I shall flay him until he's half dead." Ten Ten added. She started walking off to catch Sasuke's trail. Neji and Lee stared at their female teammate with awe.

"She's so hot when she's mad." They both said at the same time.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke was glaring furtively around, looking for signs of trouble. He was hungry, he was angry, and if he ever caught Naruto, he'd kill him slowly and painfully. But as for now, he knew something was coming. As this very thought crossed his mind, Barney sang his song again. Sasuke sighed and answered the phone.

"Hey Sasu-Chan how are you doing?" Naruto chirped.

"Naruto, I'm _this_ close to killing you. Don't call me Sasu-Chan." Sasuke hissed.

"Awe but why? You throw hissy fits like a hormonal girl!" Naruto questioned. Angering Sasuke even more then he already was.

"Look you Dobe tell me what you want me to do next?" Sasuke asked impatiently.

"I want you to steal the one and only Sasuke portrait from the fangirl's clubhouse." Naruto proclaimed cheerfully.

"WHAT?" Sasuke yelled. Beads of sweat travelled down his face, as for the first time in history, Sasuke was experiencing something Uchiha's didn't often experience... fear.

"I want you to steal the Sasuke portrait from the fangirl's clubhouse." Naruto repeated.

"I heard you, you little bastard!" Sasuke yelled.

"Now, now Sasuke. Don't get your knickers in a twist!" Naruto stated cheerfully.

"You seriously want me to enter the fangirls' club house?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeap." Naruto replied.

"There is no god damn way I am going to do that Naruto! Not in a million years! That's like sacrificing myself to Satan with a popsicle stick up my ass and saying 'feed me to Michael Jackson!' and eating a toffee apple while I do it!" Sasuke yelled angrily.

"But Sasu-Chan it's for a good cause." Naruto said. Sasuke could feel his eye twitching again.

"Naruto I would so love to rip your intestines out through your eyeballs then shove them up your ass. But since I can't do that at the moment, let's settle with this. If you _ever_ call me _Sasu-Chan_ again, I will destroy Ichiraku Ramen and make sure it never gets rebuilt." Sasuke hissed.

"Fine, fine, Sasuke, just have fun in the Rabid pit of doom." Naruto replied. Sasuke wanted to cry when he heard the dial tone. He wanted to sit on the pavement and bawl like a baby. But he still had some form of self-respect, so he started formulating a plan on how to break in to the Fangirl's clubhouse.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

"We're not doing very well getting Sasuke on our own." Lee stated.

"That's because he keeps getting away. All that time with Orochimaru made him slippery like a snake." Neji replied.

"There is an easy way to rectify this." Ten Ten stated. The boys looked at her, waiting for her answer.

"Just inform the Hokage that it was him that stole her Sake. Every ninja in the village will soon be after him. Once someone catches him, it'll be easy to steal him from them, and seeing as everyone else is going to want to kill him, we'll just make sure to get first dibs." Ten Ten added.

"That's so devious." Neji stated.

"And so strangely erotic, to think Ten Ten came up with that idea." Lee added.

"I love it." Both boys said at the same time.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke found himself at the Sasuke Fan Girl Clubhouse. He sighed deeply as he looked for a way to get in without being spotted. Then smirked.

"I knew that gender bending technique of the Dobe's would come in handy." Sasuke thought to himself, as he performed the Sexy Jutsu. Sasuke blinked as he realised that he was a naked girl. But he could fix that. Somehow he could fix that at any rate. He looked around, and spotted a sheet in a back garden. Draping it over himself (and the whisps of cloud that basically worked out like underwear) Sasuke entered the Lion's Den. Or we could call in the Rabid pit of doom, but for the sake of human sanity, Lion's Den it is.

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Okay all, that's the end of this chapter. Now for a sneak peak of next chapter.

_Sasuke looked left and right as he tried to avoid the horde of fangirls that were on his trail. Along with Neji, Ten Ten and Lee, (although he was more scared of Ten Ten and her pro whip arm) there were others catching on to him._

"_If I didn't know better, I'd swear someone is telling them what I'm up to." Sasuke thought to himself._


	6. Sasuke, The Sex God, Uchiha!

Okay all, here is the sixth chapter. I really hope you all enjoy it. After all, I spend a lot of time getting hyper so this fic can be written in the world of absolute crack madness. LOL! There is also another poll on my profile now, because the old one has been closed. The order in which the fics on the first poll will come out, has been placed in my profile. So please feel free to vote on my new poll (which will basically be set out the same as the old poll)

To my anonymous reviewer, calm storm, I know, the power of tomatoes is great. It's almost as addictive as crack. LOL! Thanks so much for all the reviews. I hope that you enjoy this update, and I'm also glad that you listened to the Emo Song. It is morbidly disturbing, but still funny.

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Why You NEVER Give Naruto Sweets!

Chapter Six – Sasuke, The Sex God, Uchiha! Long May He Procreate!

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Sasuke crept along the corridors of the Rabid Pit of Doom. He found a giant hall, where a large group of girls were kneeling before a life size portrait of him.

"_I swear this is supposed to be a tiny little clubhouse. How the hell is there a giant hall in here?"_ Sasuke thought to himself as he watched the proceedings from behind a stone pillar. He saw one of the village girls stand up on a platform that was just underneath the portrait.

"We are here today to pay homage to our great idol, Sasuke, The Sex God, Uchiha." The girl said.

"May he live long and populate the world with sex god sons!" The other girls chanted.

"Long may he procreate!" The lead girl stated.

"Long may he procreate!" The rest of the girls repeated. Sasuke's eyes went wide and he cringed. One tiny drop of sweat rolled down the back of his neck, as Sasuke attempted to reign in his horror and fear.

"_Crazy ass fangirls! Naruto is seriously going to have problems when I catch hold of him."_ Sasuke thought to himself. He watched them go through their rituals. Then they left. Sasuke took a deep breath and snuck into the great hall. He used his chakra to climb up the wall and unhook the portrait from where it hung. Then he climbed down and as he got to the ground, still wrapped in his random white sheet (for the purpose of Sasuke's sanity let's just call it a toga rather than a sheet he stole from a washing line), His eyes widened at the sight before him. Gathered in the hall, were hundreds of fangirls, all ready to kill Sasuke.

"She has the portrait of our idol!" The head girl screamed.

"KILL HER!" All the other girls yelled in unison. Sasuke did the only thing he could. He ran.

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Ten Ten, Neji and Lee, walked into Tsunade's office.

"Tsunade-Sama, we know who the thief is." Ten Ten stated calmly.

"We caught him in the act but he got away from us." Neji added, also calmly.

"It was most unyouthful!" Lee exclaimed loudly.

"Who is this most unyouthful thief my wonderful students?" Gai yelled.

"It's Sasuke Uchiha." Ten Ten replied. Tsunade stood from her desk and suddenly smashed her fist through it.

"Find Sasuke Uchiha! I don't care if he's dead or alive! Just bring back my God Damned Sake!" Tsunade yelled. The Hyuga clan all had evil grins on their face.

"We shall find him Hokage-Sama!" The Hyugas all stated synonymously. Then they were gone. Ten Ten, Neji and Lee all grinned to themselves.

"We'll get hold of him. I just need to go and get some information from my informant." Neji quipped as the trio left the building.

"Who's your informant?" Ten Ten asked.

"I would like to ask the same question Neji!" Lee exclaimed.

"You'll see." Neji replied.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Naruto and Hinata were sitting in front of the giant tv that watched Sasuke.

"So you're going to go and tell Neji where Sasuke's running off too?" Naruto asked. Hinata nodded.

"I fear he will go insane without his S&M Icha Icha book." Hinata replied. Naruto shrugged.

"Sasuke's a Ninja. He can handle a little pressre." Naruto replied cheerfully as he popped another sweet into his mouth.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sakura sighed as she walked towards the Yamanaka family flower shop. As she walked, a dark haired girl, that sorta reminded her of Sasuke, ran past her, carrying a giant portrait of Sasuke on her back. Sakura noted she was also wearing a white sheet that seemed to have come from one of her neighbour's garden washing lines. But of this, Sakura couldn't be certain. As the strange girl disappeared, leaving a dust trail behind her, Sakura spotted a huge sea of fangirls and through herself back against the walls of the building near her. The army of fangirls stormed past screaming,

"KILL THE INFIDEL!"

Sakura sighed as the fangirl army also left a dust trail behind them, and she started walking towards the flower shop again.

"This has been one weird week." Sakura muttered to herself.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke looked left and right as he tried to avoid the horde of fangirls that were on his trail. Along with Neji, Ten Ten and Lee, (although he was more scared of Ten Ten and her pro whip arm) there were others catching on to him.

"If I didn't know better, I'd swear someone is telling them what I'm up to." Sasuke thought to himself.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Ten Ten, Neji and Lee were still on the run, after Sasuke.

"Look, sooner or later we're going to catch up to him." Neji stated.

"Yeah Ten Ten-Chan, it's only a matter of time." Lee added.

"I want to kill him now!" Ten Ten exclaimed angrily.

"Well at least we know that Hinata's information is good." Neji quipped. Team Gai snickered evilly as they resumed the chase.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke sighed as he finally found somewhere to hide. He changed back into his own form (clothes and all) and then Gaara appeared.

"Let me guess, you want the portrait." Sasuke quipped. Gaara nodded.

"Just make sure no one sees you with it. The fangirl army are... adept at tracking that thing." Sasuke stated. Gaara nodded again and was gone. But Sasuke still had things to do. Now he waited for Naruto to get back to him about his tomatoes.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay, I know this was a short chapter, but it was rather weird. I wanted it to be okay at least. But I don't think it's as funny as the other chapters. Anywho, please R&R and let me know what you think. I'll see you all next time I update. Here is the teaser for the next chapter.

"_I will murder that kid!" Asuma yelled angrily._

"_He took Asuma's lighter didn't he?" Kakashi asked Kurenai._

"_And a pair of my underwear." Kurenai added. Kakashi blinked._

"_I'm not going to ask how e managed to do that." Kakashi stated._


	7. The Senseis Are Angry!

Okay all, here is the next chapter. I hope that you all find it funny and such.

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Why You NEVER Give Naruto Sweets!

Chapter Seven – The Senseis Are Angry!

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke was not a happy man. He was still stuck waiting for Naruto to contact him and he was fed up of this hyperactive game. That was when his new cell phone started to play the Barney tune again.

"Hello Naruto." Sasuke greeted unenthusiastically.

"Hey Sasuke-Sweet pea. How are you doing?" Naruto asked.

"Do you want the truth or a lie?" Sasuke asked.

"Why, the truth! I don't like it when you lie Sasuke." Naruto fake gasped. Sasuke sighed.

"I'm miserable, I'm tired, the Hokage has a bounty on my head and I'm still no closer to getting a tomato then I was about... four days ago?" Sasuke questioned.

"Nope. Three days ago actually. But who's counting?" Naruto asked. Sasuke's eye started twitching again.

"It is now time for your next mission." Naruto stated. Sasuke's eyes went wider and wider as Naruto relayed the details.

"Do you want every Jounin Sensei to come and hunt me down?" Sasuke asked.

"I'm sure you'll be fine." Naruto commented. Then the dial tone was heard.

"Gad damn it Naruto!" Sasuke yelled at the phone. Then he sighed and headed towards Asume and Kurenai's shared apartment. Of course they thought that no one knew they shared an apartment, but everyone in Konoha knew Asuma and Kurenai had been having some for of elicit love affair for a long time.

xXxXxXx THE NEXT MORNING – JOUNIN MEETING ROOM xXxXxXx

"I will murder that kid!" Asuma yelled angrily.

"He took Asuma's lighter didn't he?" Kakashi asked Kurenai.

"And a pair of my underwear." Kurenai added. Kakashi blinked.

"I'm not going to ask how he managed to do that." Kakashi stated.

"I don't care _how_ he did it! I care _why_ he did it!" Asuma yelled. Kakashi wasn't quite sure to say to that, only that life seemed to be rather strange in Konoha. That was when Anko came running into the room.

"Kakashi if I ever catch that thieving little sod you call your student, I will rip out his entrails and feed them to Orochimaru myself." Anko hissed angrily.

"Why? What did he take this time?" Kakashi asked. Anko whispered something in his ear and Kakashi went pale.

"This time he's gone too far." Kakashi stated deathly calm.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Shikamaru got up that morning and took a shower. He went back in to his room and made to get dressed, yet when he opened his underwear draw he let out a yell so primal and horrified that his parents both rushed into his room.

"Shikamaru what's happened?" His mother asked.

"MY CLOUDIES ARE GONE!" Shikamaru wailed. Then he glared fiercely.

"I will find my cloudies and when I do, the one that took them will pay." Shikamaru stated. He made to run out of the room.

"Shikamaru honey? You're still only wearing a towel." Shikamaru's mother said gently. Shikamaru looked down at the towel wrapped around his waist.

"Troublesome. Mom, dad, please leave my room so I can get dressed and plan vengeance." Shikamaru said plainly. Shikamaru's father and mother looked at each other when the door was closed.

"He's starting to sound like that Sasuke Uchiha." Mrs Nara stated before she walked off downstairs.

"Troublesome. All this over his lucky cloud boxers." Mr Nara said lazily. Then he went to his room.

"I can take a nap while I'm up here." He uttered to himself as he went to his own room.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Ino was furious as she stomped round to Shikamaru's house.

"Shikamaru I need you to help me find Uchiha! He took my favourite purple tank top!" Ino yelled. She stopped when she saw Shikamaru exiting his house.

"He stole my cloudies." Shikamaru stated. That was when Chouji appeared.

"Wow. I think that's even worse than the fact that he stole my potato chips." Chouji said, as they all left to look for Sasuke.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Neji, Ten Ten and Lee ran into their Sensei as they searched for Sasuke.

"Where is the unyouthful Genin you call Sasuke Uchiha?" Gai asked frantically. He was wearing a hat.

"Why? What did he steal from you?" Ten Ten asked. Gai got all teary eyed.

"HE TOOK MY YOUTHFUL HAIR GEL!" Gai yelled as he removed his hat. His hair puffed up into a giant afro. Had it not looked so frightening, Ten Ten and Neji might have laughed. Lee went all teary eyed then.

"Oh Gai-Sensei! This is most unyouthful!" Lee exclaimed.

"Lee!" Gai exclaimed.

"Gai-Sensei!" Lee exclaimed back.

"Lee!"

"Gai-Sensei!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"STOP IT!" Neji yelled. The others looked at Neji in shock.

"We haven't got time for Gai and Lee to have a bonding session. We must capture Sasuke." Neji stated. Gai nodded.

"Neji is right! We must capture Sasuke! YOSH!" Gai exclaimed. Then he was gone.

"O...kaaay? He didn't even wait for us." Ten Ten stated.

"We might be better off that way. He didn't put his hat back on." Lee said softly. Neji and Ten Ten both cringed as the trio shot off in a different direction to their Sensei.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Kiba and Akamaru were waiting for Shino to turn up. Kurenai hadn't shown up yet and neither had Hinata, and to be honest, Kiba was slightly worried. He was the first one at their meeting spot and that had _never_ happened before. That was when Shino turned up, without his glasses. Kiba yelled in surprise.

"Damn Shino! No wonder you wear glasses all the time!" Kiba yelled, for Shino's eyes were red and bugs crawled around inside his eyeballs.

"Uchiha stole them. You'd better check your things and see if anything is missing." Shino stated. His normally completely blank voice actually was above normal level. Kiba knew Shino was furious. That was when Hana came running up to Kiba.

"Kiba! Someone took your collection of dog collars from the house!" Hana yelled.

"Uchiha! I'll kill him! It took me years to find the pink one with studs and bells!" Kiba yelled. Then Shino, Kiba and Akamaru were gone. Also looking for Sasuke.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Iruka went to the academy that morning, only to find that his locked desk drawer was unlocked, and all his carefully prepared memos and lesson plans were gone. The Academy students were all yelling furiously.

"Someone took the good coloured pencil set!" One student yelled.

"We must get it back!" Moegi yelled.

"I heard Sasuke Uchiha has been running around taking things from everybody. It has to be him!" Konohamaru yelled.

"Let's get 'im!" The students all exclaimed together. Before Iruka could say a word, the students had all opened windows and leapt out on the lookout for Sasuke. Iruka sighed as he looked at his unlocked drawer.

"I'd better find out if Sasuke took my lesson plans and memos." Iruka stated, before he too leapt out of the window.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Ibiki Morino had suffered great indignities in his lifetime. Her had been poisoned, burned, stabbed, tortured, pelted with rotten fruit (on one mission in Kiri) and even had to dress as a woman on one mission, (which he warned his colleagues would never be spoken of on pain of death) but this was the last straw. Someone had stolen Fifi, Ibiki's pet cat.

"Whoever did this shall pay!" Ibiki hissed. Then he was gone.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke gave the last of the stuff he'd gathered for Naruto, including Fifi, Ibiki's cat, to Gaara.

"What now?" Sasuke asked. Gaara shrugged.

"Now you wait until Naruto calls you." Gaara replied. Then he was gone. Sasuke sighed, little knowing exactly how bad things were about to get. That was when he heard the sounds of high heels and ninja sandals slapping at the Konoha pathways.

"There he is!" Sasuke heard Shizune yell.

"GET HIM!" A bunch of other people yelled. Now Sasuke was running, and not just for his sanity, he was running for his life.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay that's it for this chapter. Next chapter is the last one. I hope you all enjoyed this mindless piece of crack. Please R&R and let me know what you think. Here's a teaser for the last chapter. See you all next time.

"_Do you think we should help him?" Kankuro asked. A stampede of fangirls ran around the corner then, all of them chanting _

"_Sasuke-Kun! Sasuke-Kun! Sasuke-Kun!" quite loudly, and scaring other civilians around them. _

_Temari looked at Kankuro _

"_What are you, crazy?" Temari asked._


	8. The End of The Line

Ok people. This is my last chapter of my mad Naruto fic. I know, I know, ya hate to see it end but it had to eventually. Thanks to all you lovely reviewers, and readers. Also thanks to my darling brother, erokitsune1234, for giving input in certain aspects.

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Why you NEVER Give Naruto Sweets!

Last Chapter – The End of The Line.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke was at his wit's end. He was slowly but surely going insane, and somehow he wondered whether or not this was Naruto's intention when he started this mini war. He was being chased around Konoha by Hyuugas, Kakashi, Shizune, Anko and Tsunade. Not to mention everyone else. He had been going at this since Monday, and it was now Thursday. He had had no sleep, and barely enough time to eat ninja energy bars. He was at his last limits, and all he wanted was a damn tomato.

"_Kami please let Naruto come off of his sugar high soon."_ Was all that was in Sasuke's thoughts.

That was when Barney chimed in again. Sasuke picked up the phone.

"Naruto have you finished with all this yet?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeap. Your tomatoes are in the Uchiha district warehouse." Naruto answered happily.

"WHAT?" Sasuke yelled.

"What better place would there be to hide them?" Naruto replied.

"Let me guess, you were hiding in a hollow space in the Hokage Monument." Sasuke stated.

"Nope I was hiding in the Uchiha secret meeting place. That was fun." Naruto answered.

"What the- How the hell did you know where that was?" Sasuke asked.

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to Sasuke-Teme. I'll see you at training tomorrow. If you survive being hunted down by everyone. But their stuff is in Tsunade Baa-Chan's office." Naruto said happily. Sasuke glared fiercely.

"See ya Teme." Naruto said, before hanging up.

That was when Sasuke turned around and saw one large group of angry Shinobi and villagers alike. His eye twitched.

"_I'm so gonna die."_ Sasuke thought as he started running.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Got any fours?" Temari asked Kankuro seriously. A lone Uchiha ran past them at great speeds.

"Go fish." Kankuro replied.

"Damn!" Temari quipped. She looked at her cards again. Tsunade and Shizune ran past at the speed of demons. Kankuro blinked.

"Got any sevens?" Temari asked. An enraged Kakashi, Anko, Gai, Asuma, Kurenai, Ibiki and Iruka rushed past after Tsunade and Shizune.

"Go fish." Kankuro replied.

"God damn it Kankuro!" Temari hissed. Then Neji, Ten Ten and Lee ran past after the other Shinobi.

"Got any twos?" Temari asked. Shikamaru, Ino, Kiba, Akamaru and Shino ran past after Neji, Ten Ten and Lee.

"Go fish." Kankuro answered.

"STOP HAVING NO CARDS DAMNIT!" Temari yelled at Kankuro, just as the whole Hyuga clan, minus Hanabi and Hinata, ran past after Shikamaru, Ino, Kiba, Akamaru and Shino.

"Do you think we should help him?" Kankuro asked. A stampede of fangirls ran around the corner then, all of them chanting

"Sasuke-Kun! Sasuke-Kun! Sasuke-Kun!" quite loudly, and scaring other civilians around them.

Temari looked at Kankuro

"What are you, crazy?" Temari asked. After the stampede of fangirls, came a stampede of Gennin, led by the Konohamaru Corps.

"I feel a little bit sorry for him." Kankuro replied.

"So? When has that made a difference to you stepping in and helping?" Temari asked. Chouji ran after the last stampede, looking worn out.

"Good point." Kankuro conceded.

"Got any nines?" Temari asked.

"Go fish." Kankuro replied.

"GOD DAMN YOU KANKURO!" Temari yelled angrily.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sasuke was surrounded. He had no way of escape.

"_This is it, goodbye cruel world. I didn't even get to kill Itachi yet. I have so much to live for god damn it!"_ Sasuke thought to himself as he looked at the angry mob of pissed off Shinobi (and fangirls) who were gathered around. He heard the yells from the crowd.

"Where's our stuff Uchiha?"

"Yeah you little bastard, where's our stuff?"

"You better know where my Sake is!"

"You better not have eaten my potato chips!"

"No harm better have come to my cloudies!"

"It's all in Tsunade's office I swear! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sasuke yelled, as everyone pounced on him and let rip.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sakura got to the bridge on Friday morning, bright and early. She'd had a pretty good week all-in-all and she was happy to do some training today. Naruto came along just then.

"Hey Naruto. How have you been?" Sakura asked.

"I'm great Sakura-Chan. How have you been?" Naruto asked.

"I'm fine. But I haven't seen you or Sasuke all week. What happened to the two of you?" Sakura asked. Before Naruto could answer, Sasuke came along. He had a broken leg, a broken arm, and was hobbling along on a wooden crutch. He had a black eye, a split lip, and bandages all over his body. He death-glared at Naruto as hard as possible out of his one open eye.

"Oh my God, what happened to you Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked.

"Don't. Ask." Sasuke stated flatly. Naruto grinned. Sakura shrugged and produced an orange wrapped box from her kunai pouch.

"Hey Naruto, since you liked the other sweets I gave you, here's a new batch. My mom just created them." Sakura said happily.

"YOU gave him the sweets?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeah. He helped out at my families' shop. Our decorators got food poisoning." Sakura said cheerfully.

"Sakura you created a monster, you have no idea what hell I've been through this week, because he was hyper on sweets." Sasuke hissed. Sakura blinked.

"Really? Iruka-Sensei said something about Naruto eating sweets, I can't remember what it was." Sakura replied.

In this time Naruto had the box and opened it. Sasuke noticed Naruto raising a sweet to his mouth.

"NO DON'T LET HIM EAT THEM!" Sasuke yelled, attempting to dive for the sweets, even on crutches. But it was too late. A sweet popped into Naruto's mouth and less than five seconds later an evil gleam appeared in Naruto's eyes and Naruto gave Sasuke an evil smirk that would've made Gaara wet his pants.

Sasuke turned to look at Sakura, who looked utterly confused, and he glared.

"Sakura I hate you so much right now." Sasuke stated plainly.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx THE END! xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Okay everyone. This is the end of the fic. I hope ya liked it. Once again thanks to my little brother erokitsune1234 for some of the ideas I got. (sends hugs) and thanks to all of you who read and reviewed and kept up with this wonderful piece of madness.


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